As I sat in my kitchen listening to my past literally slapping me in the face it was surreal to say the least.
In the few days after court which inevitably led to a huge emotional break down the remaining question once I stopped sobbing was
How the heck did I ever let someone treat me like that?
I am going back to the start of this chapter in my life. The very start…. God cringe even the first messages on good ol’ plenty of fish should have sent me running.
I was a freshly single mum with 2 little girls who didn’t know what she was doing but knew she was on her own now and didn’t have an ounce of self-worth or confidence.
He said all the right things, told me how beautiful I was, told me how it didn’t matter I had kids, he would play the key board to me.. ok like 3 bars of some Adele song but I was hooked on this charmer!
The reality was those phone calls were taking place in the office of his Ex-girlfriend’s house, the good night beautiful messages were sent from the bed he shared with his ex-girlfriend, because you know she couldn’t cope without him in the house, so they are just best mates now. i am eye rolling for me
Why wouldn’t I run from this man?? He had no drivers licence because he had 8 months before been arrested and charged for drink driving and assault on some guy in the pub, he was innocent you see…. God even writing it now it makes me want to slap myself.
I have since learnt that this is called LOVE BOMBING
The first date was a Chinese at my house (classy I know) my girls were at their dad’s house.
He turned up huge in stature, 6ft4 I knew that, what he failed to mention was his photos where of his rugby prime days and the 16 stone rugby physique had been replaced by a 20stone one.
Carrying some lbs myself I didn’t feel I had a right to question this. He had already suckered me in by now I felt grateful that this guy had even agreed have a date with me, how could I question anything? God I would have a lot to say this guy if he rocked up to me now.
We got down to it and even then, when I was at max effort must impress he started to slightly insult me when I suggested a change of position, his response was oh tired already???? Given he hadn’t moved a muscle from the moment we started yes, I bloody was!!!!! Chance of me arriving disappeared as the self-doubt crept in it., and that right there is the basis for our whole time together as a couple.
The immediate gifts a necklace and a bracelet when we got together in the September.
He pretty much just never went home, the word for this is a HOBOSEXUAL someone who gets with people who need a place to live. He dressed this up as never having been so in love with someone. Nope HOBOSEXUAL this is the biggest flag that I just ignored.
The Christmas was OTT he brought me and the girls a new tree and decorations and the presents beneath it were excessive. Tonnes of food and a picture perfect Christmas at a time when I was feeling like I will never be able to make life special for them, this was a breath of fresh air.
Whilst these grand gestures that were getting everyone on board with him, I was still single handily paying all the bills and I was told not too declare him on the Bills so I wouldn’t lose my tax credits. This was an error guess what they always catch up with you and the repayment plans are crippling. Don’t do it!! Ever!!! I’ll get to finance another time.
He had the best sob story ever to make the ‘I must heal him kick in’.
Kicked out at 16, childhood spent scared of his father, mum who tried to kill him at 18 months old, step mum who was the 16 year old baby sitter, life standing on his own, no contact in many years with his family due to theft allegations. On paper I know you are reading this thinking wow what a guy….. but the effect that the love bombing had on me had completely blind sided me into believing him and thinking he is best man I could have ever met.
This love bombing and whirlwind 3 months set me up for a dream of this man that I thought was real and would do anything to get back to this place.
Many CBT sessions later and I see that this is all the set up for making the control possible. Everything that ever goes wrong becomes your fault and you honestly think its your job to fix it. The fix will never happen and the whirlwind of ‘LOVE’ that you fell for was just a ruse for submission against your will.
Be cautious of the love bombing especially when you first start seeing someone, the effect it has makes you feel like its something normal that should happen. Then when it doesn’t happen it leaves you feeling like perhaps you don’t have that spark with someone. It is also another form of control in moving on. Let me tell you… real connections cannot be created with money and impulse. They happen in your energy and your soul, its palpable and glorious and when you allow it to progress on it is liberating.
The reason this person treated you like this is because you were carefully selected before you even realised you were, you had no control of this. Perps have a type and a sense for someone they can mould and manipulate. They are vile and prey on the vulnerable. Be it a newly single mumma who is trying to find her way and her confidence, a victim of abuse in the past or a victim of DV before these are all things they PREY on and yes it is PREY they are stalkers and they will do anything to maintain control of the selected victim.
This wasn’t your fault and you did not deserve your treatment.
Say this over and over and over until it sticks!
Extinguishing The Gaslight 